Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Kiss
Puke
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
