So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
