she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just puked most of my soul out..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
