When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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