your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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