So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The adults are the big ones right?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
