Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
