Is it because I queefed?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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