So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
