I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
