I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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