Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
