Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
