Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
