Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
