The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
