He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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