You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
