you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
