I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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