i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
