I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
