I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
