my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
