my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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