no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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