I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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