I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
