if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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