I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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