When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
