there's paper in my vomit.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Randomize
