Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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