i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We talked him into tasing himself.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
