So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
