i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
