I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
