I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
