if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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