You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
