I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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