I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
