I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
