True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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