In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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