wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
