Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
