There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
