Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His hands were made for my vagina.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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