I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
