You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
